Cars, Kids, and the Fears That Entangle

We bought a new car a few years ago. This may not seem like a big deal, but it was the first time I owned a brand new car. We had always bought used, but a great opportunity arose, and we went for it. And I came home with a new, red Kia Sorrento.

When I drove the car out of the lot, I went immediately to pick up my youngest from school. When she got in the car, there was much “Ooohing ” and “Aaahing,” and I was excited with her…until I saw the cookie in her hand.

In my old car, cookies were allowed. There was little that was off limits in the old car, and as a result, my old car had stickers on the windows that became permanent decor, red sharpie on the door that greeted me every time I put a child in their seat, and a stench that reminded me that some of the food my children ate while in the car actually made it into their mouths.

That was the old car. This was the new car. And in my new car there were going to be new rules such as: no cookies allowed.

“But, Mom, what about chips?”

With that question, a part of me that wondered if scooters were a legit form of transportation for my children. They’re not. And so, the perfection on the inside of my new car had a very short life span.

Within one month of driving kids around, every rule I attempted to establish in the new car went straight out the window, and the stale-chip stench made its way back in. I did my best to keep the car pristine and maintain that new car feel, but most parents know the impossibility of this between the residual affects of sports, the necessity of occasional quick dinners, and the random Chick-fil-A breakfast runs. Incidentally, I found a biscuit from a chicken-mini under a seat recently. Who in their right mind does not eat the biscuit, for heaven’s sake? Maintaining the new car feel just wasn’t going to happen with children. Because children do things like drop the biscuit from the chicken-mini. And leave it.

When I first brought my Kia home, I would have gladly kept that shiny new car, free from crumbs and stale smells, in the garage where it couldn’t be trashed with stickers and biscuits. If I kept the car in the garage, the miles wouldn’t put wear and tear on it, and it would be safe from hitting things… like the corner my house.

Yes, that actually happened.

What Cars and Kids Have in Common

The way that I wanted to treat the new vehicle when I first brought it home, keeping it safe and pristine without any dings or scratches, is the way I also lean in parenting my children. It’s the way many of us tend to parent, and I have realized, particularly during this last year, how devastating this way of child-rearing can be.

In thinking about my new car, the problem with leaving it in the garage is that the car was made to drive, its interior was created to stand up to spills and messes. Leaving it in the garage might protect it for a time, but after a while, not using the car in the way it was intended would create internal issues leading to more involved long-term problems.

The same thing can happen to our kids when we desperately try to keep them from the dangers and hurts of the world. While we can make decisions for a limited time that will keep our kids from being hurt, getting bullied, or not making a team, the longer we make decisions based on keeping them “safe,” the more we are hurting them in the long run. God did not create our children to be kept from the difficulties of life. He did not create them to sit idle in order to be kept in “good” condition, but He created them for a purpose. He created them for His glory.

The question for us as parents is whether we are making decisions for our children by faith or by fear. If worry for our kids becomes the basis for our parenting (and this can happen without us even realizing it), then our fears become the driving factor behind our parenting.

And what’s the problem with this?

Dr. Tim Kimmel, founder of Family Matters, addresses this very question: “Fear-based parenting is the surest way to create intimidated kids. It’s also the surest way to raise Christian kids who either don’t have any passion for lost people, are indifferent to the things of God, or out-and-out rebel against their parents, their church, and the Lord.”

I’m Afraid That…

When we first discussed purchasing a trampoline for our young kids, my immediate reaction was to google the number of deaths and accidents caused by trampolines, and when I did so, I wanted to say, “No way. Not at my house.” I was afraid that one of my children would get hurt. It was a legitimate concern, and when we eventually purchased one, we put a net around the trampoline. But because of my natural internal fears, I had to reach outside of myself to decipher whether or not my reasoning for not wanting a trampoline was being steered by the phrase, “I’m afraid that…”

As my children have grown, the fears have become more intense. I’m afraid that they will walk away from the Lord, I’m afraid they will fall prey to the temptations of drugs, alcohol, or pornography, so my natural instinct is to allow my fears of what could happen drive my decisions on what they can and can’t do, where they’re allowed to go and not go, and who they can or can’t hang out with.

My parents allowed me to go on a missions trip to Belfast, Ireland when I was in high school. During this particular time, there was turmoil in Belfast, but the leaders agreed that it was nothing that merited cancelling the trip, so we went. That trip was life changing for me. I grew in my relationship with Jesus during that time more than any other in my adolescents. “I’m afraid that…” was not the driving force in my parents decision regarding this trip, otherwise I would have likely stayed behind. Instead, they considered the facts and information before them and made a decision out of faith. It was a decision I’m forever grateful they made.

Responsible Decisions Verses Fear-Driven Decisions

There is a difference between being responsible as a parent and making decisions out of fear. For example, when my daughter first obtained her license, it would have been irresponsible of me to put her immediately on the road in an ice storm. Yes, I would fear an accident, but my decision to not let her drive would be based on my responsibility as a parent to protect my kid. She wouldn’t have been ready to drive in ice the same day she received her license.

The decision becomes fear-based if I never teach her how to drive in varying weather. If I decide she simply won’t ever drive in ice or snow, then I’m switching from a responsibly-driven decision to a fear-driven decision because now I’m being led by the phrase, “I’m afraid that…”

And sometimes, our fears can sneakily pose as “responsible” decisions. My instinct as a mom is to want my kids to only hang out with peers who are good, Christ-following kids. Somehow there is a sense of safety in that, and I would very much like to follow my instinct and label it as “responsible.” And there are certainly responsibilities for parents in this area, but more often than not, our reasoning for who our kids can and can’t spend time with stems from fear. It begins with the statement, “I’m afraid that...” and ends with many variables: that my child will be swayed by an unbeliever, or that my child will be a follower and not a leader.

The Bible is full of passages that remind believers of all ages how important it is to be in relationship with other believers, and it assumes that as followers of Christ, we will also have friendships with unbelievers. We must in order to share the Good News of Jesus! We can’t keep our kids from having friendships with unbelievers out of fear and then assume that when they are older the idea of evangelism will simply “click.” Learning how to be a light in the darkness is a growing process that begins at a young age and shouldn’t be hindered by our fears as parents, but instead the process should be talked about and prayed about with our kids.

How To Combat Being a Fear-Based Parent

The Bible commands: “Do not be afraid” more than 365 times. No other commandment is stated as frequently as this one. The Lord knows our sin-nature leads us to fear. The Lord knows we will worry about what the future holds, and He even knows that our inclination as parents will be to want to control our kids surroundings in order to keep them free from dirtiness and dents for as long as possible. He knows all of this which is exactly why He reminds us time and time again, “Do not fear.” Why? Because the God who made the heavens and the earth is the same God who intimately loves us and who has perfectly planned every step for His children.

In combating my own instincts toward being a fear-based parent, I must ask the Lord time and time again to show me whether I’m making a decision out of fear or out of faith; am I driven first by the phrase, “I’m afraid that…” or can I look at the facts and information and make a responsible decision that will help my child grow in whatever way the Lord sees fit.

We won’t always be where are children are, so it’s important our kids grow in responsibility so they are able to make trustworthy decisions for themselves when we are not with them. The times I have tried to control my kid’s surroundings have been the times I have contributed toward stunted growth in this area.

Our kids are going to make mistakes, they are going to get hurt, and they will likely face deep hardship. We can’t protect them from the pains of this life. But, that’s not our calling, and the more we try to make that our job, the more we will hurt our kids. Our responsibility, as Deuteronomy 6 reminds us, is to to guide them, by God’s grace, into a relationship with Jesus, and to trust Him with these precious children that ultimately belong to Him.

Psalm 139:16 says, “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

I am not the giver of life for my children, God is. I am not the controller of their future, God is. Thank the Lord for this truth because on the days when I’m tempted by the need to control and the want to keep them “parked” away from harm, I can rest in God’s faithful hand and know that in His book are pages filled for my children.

And I can’t wait to see their stories unfold.