Waving The White Flag To Teenage-Hood

I recently read this statement from a popular public figure: “Shout out to the parents who are worn out from all the disciplining and rule-setting and fact-checking and boundary-keeping. I mean, we can’t let them all grow up to be terrorists. I know. But my gosh.”

And the crowds went wild.

Parents wrote in from all over the world empathizing with the raw honesty of one mother who was just ready to throw in the towel when it comes to keeping up with and watching over teenagers. I admit, after a very trying day with teens, I read this post and said out loud, “Yes! I’m waving my white flag!”

Teenagers are fun, yes. Well, sometimes. Kind of. But they are mostly exhausting. We talk about how much more there is for kids to get in trouble with than ever before, but there is equally as much for parents to spill over than there ever used to be. When we were young, our parents could call the friend’s house where we were supposed to be or take a good close look at us when we got home. That was that. But these days, we can track kids, monitor kids, check all various devices, and we can even see the exact location of our children in their school buildings.

For heaven’s sake. It’s crazy. It’s too much. It’s no wonder I’m not the only mother wanting to raise the proverbial white flag. We are challenged by Christians and non-Christians alike to be as informed as possible with our kids, but on the other hand, a person can become frantic trying to monitor every single step our children take as they walk through adolescence. And the crazy reality is that we now have the ability to do this.

But should we? Look, I’m no expert; I’m in the thick of parenting teenagers myself, but after talking with counselors, youth pastors, and others who have reared children, there are three important factors that I am learning to wrestle with in this all-consuming, technological age of raising kids.

Stay Connected

Every year we get a new list of apps that parents should closely monitor or not allow. Our youth pastor said this about the most recent list that came out: “Parents, are you having conversations with your kids about how they are using social media? Do you know what apps they have on their phones? Being informed is not an invasion of privacy, it is an active display of love.” I appreciate his willingness to speak boldly, and I agree with his claim. As appealing as it is to disconnect from the mayhem and raise our flags in defeat, wisdom comes with understanding.

Matthew 10:16 says, “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.”  When it comes to being smart and wise, the exhortation is to be like the snake who quickly and actively retreats from danger, but in order to do this, we have to know what the dangers look like. They are often quite deceptive. As parents, we have a responsibility to be informed in order to help our kids spot the threat and think through what retreating looks like before they find themselves confronted with it.

Ephesians 5:15-17: “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” There’s hard work involved in “looking carefully” and in gaining wisdom. And in helping our children do the same, there will no doubt be times when our lack of understanding and realization of our inadequacy will bear down, forcing us to consider the use of the white flag. But, remember the words of Jesus in the book of Joshua:  I’ll be with you. I won’t give up on you; I won’t leave you. Strength! Courage! (The Message). Be wise, stay connected, and trust in the wisdom imparted to you by God Himself.

Stay Calm

A while back we went to dinner with a couple whose children were grown, and as we talked through the joys and difficulties of raising kids, they most empathized with the strain of parenting through adolescence. They had ups and downs like everyone, but they had gotten through it. And they were smiling. And they were walking and breathing. And so, I asked them, “What one piece of advice would you give parents with teens?”

This dear woman said without hesitation, “Stay calm.” She explained there will be many instances that will cause panic to arise, but instead she advised to step back, take a breath, pray for a calm heart, and trust that the Lord will get us through it.

I have thought about those two words many times since: stay calm. The reality is that we can’t stay calm if we are spending every waking moment of every day trying to track and monitor and follow and inspect. We can’t stay calm if we are pushing God to the side by trying to control every aspect of our children’s lives. Growth often takes place through mistakes; we can certainly acknowledge this from our own God-given testimonies. Because parents have the ability to see these mistakes more than ever before, our tendency is to want to keep our kids from making any by frantically scrutinizing their steps. We can spend the short years we have with our children building a clever and well-thought out hedge to protect them, but it’s easy to neglect the nurturing of their hearts when we’re overly consumed with building their fortress.

And while hedges can be helpful, they are not fail-proof. Until our kids surrender their cravings to the Lord, they will find a way through our hedges if they so desire. But God is always working, and by His grace, many of us have testimonies of how the Lord used times of questioning and confusion to draw us closer to Himself. We need the Lord’s help to remember that He is the author of our children’s stories, not us, and He loves them more than we ever could. We need the Lord’s wisdom to know when we’re stepping into the murky waters of panicked control, and we need the Lord’s strength to take a calming step back remembering that He sees all, knows all, and is in every detail of it all.

Stay in Community  

CS Lewis once said, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” God is so good to give us a body of believers through our local churches, but in order to have that “you too?” moment in these communities, there must be vulnerability. By admitting, “I have a hard time” in a particular area, it’s amazing how many come out of the woodwork saying, “Wait. You too?”

Unfortunately, we often carry around façades in our communities in order to hide the fact that under our tidy appearance is confusion, sadness, jealousy, and all sorts of imperfections. But the gift of God’s people becomes even more beautiful when we are vulnerable and find we are still deeply loved. We have the ability to give and receive love profoundly even in the midst of struggles and insecurities because this is what Christ has done for us. He does not ask us to “get it together” before we come to Him with honest hearts, but He tells us to come as we are in order to receive His abundant grace and mercy.  

When it comes to parenting, these communities are vital in order to give and receive encouragement, to empathize with others who have “been there,” and to find prayer warriors who will regularly check in. We all need this, and in our honesty, there is refreshment in discovering we are not alone in the challenges we face as parents.

To my fellow worn-out parents: don’t give up. Put down the white flag and trust that ‘In Christ’ you have all you need to do exactly what He has called you to do. Stay connected, stay calm, stay close to your community, and stay the course.

The Lord is leading all the way.