It’s remarkable how quickly temperatures rise when trying to prove we’re right on any given issue. Years ago, my husband and I argued over a rather petty matter while out on a date. By the time we arrived home, I was beside myself with frustration because he would not relent and admit that I was correct. I wanted so badly for him to acknowledge the error in his view, but he stood his ground, and I stood mine. So, after he retreated upstairs, I took his coat, stuffed it in the pizza box with the kid’s leftover pepperoni pizza, smashed it down for drama’s sake, and then threw it in the garbage outside. Obviously.
This kind of over-the-top quarreling and frustration over differing views is utterly rampant right now, and understandably so in the face of issues that are not so petty: a world-wide pandemic, increasing racial divides, and an impending presidential election. The implications of any one of these issues is significant, but they are causing divisiveness at levels which we have rarely seen, and the discord is spilling over into our communities, our homes, and sadly, into our churches.
Go Ahead and Argue!
The Bible doesn’t tell us not to disagree; in fact, it assumes that we will have disagreements. It does tell us, however, how to treat each other in the midst of controversy.
The goal is always redemptive conversation. One of the greatest examples of redemptive arguing in the Bible is Paul in 1 Corinthians 9. The apostle is confronted by doubting Christians who don’t believe he should be raising financial support for his needs. Paul does not respond passively, nor does he give a hot-headed discourse. Instead, he clearly and passionately states his case. Like a good lawyer arguing for the truth, Paul says to the doubters, “This is my defense to those who would examine me…” and then he goes on and argues his points using questions like, “Am I not an apostle? (vs 1) …Do I not have the right to eat and drink? (vs 4).”
Many of us have somehow lost the ability to argue in a redemptive way. We immediately put up our fists, ready to throw punches without carefully thinking through the language, body and verbal, attached to our arguments. A differing view suddenly feels offensive, so we assume the worst about a person, dig our heals in the ground, and we quarrel.
The question for us as believers is how do we argue over significant issues in a way that is redeeming?
Respect Always
In this passage in 1 Corinthians, we’re waiting for Paul’s interlocutors to bow to his rather lengthy argument. The apostle needs money both for personal reasons and for ministry, for heaven’s sake! Why wouldn’t they relent? But they don’t. Again, the assumption would be that Paul continues to push back, maybe argue a different angle. But he doesn’t.
What Paul does do is remarkable. Knowing that the only way to build up another is through love (1 Corinthians 8:1), Paul says, “…we endure anything rather than put an obstacle in the way of the gospel of Christ.” Out of respect for his opponents, and ultimately, out of respect for the gospel, Paul stops arguing. He recognizes that though he has the right to raise funds, this right may hinder the gospel by causing disunity. So, he stops pressing the issue. John Piper says of this passage, “Paul was so saturated with Christ and the gospel that he couldn’t see anything without thinking of how it related to eternity.”
What ultimately matters is that the gospel is heard and not hindered through our arguing. I heard someone say recently, “I’m trying to figure out how to co-exist with a person I know from church who doesn’t like masks.” My heart ached over this comment because as soon as we decide that the very best we can do is co-exist with a person who disagrees with our views, we’ve lost sight of our calling to love others made in the image of Christ. As believers, we’re not commanded to simply tolerate each other but to love and respect one another. Greater than swaying someone to join your side of an argument is pushing them toward the Author of Truth.
Pray Fervently
The suggestion here is not to pray that an opponent will suddenly change their mind and see your view as “correct.” I had a conversation with a dear woman a few weeks ago who expressed that she was praying, every day, that her democratic friend would become a republican.
My friends, our prayers cannot become centered on asking God to change a person’s view outside of anything that isn’t clearly instructed in Scripture. Instead, our fervent prayers should first and foremost be centered on our own heart, asking the Lord to show us where we are acting with pride and arrogance.
Toward the end of his argument in 1 Corinthians, Paul brings in the analogy of an athlete. He says, “I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control…” The only way to keep from losing control in our arguing is through spiritual discipline, and we need the Lord for this. We can’t speak wisely and with graciousness apart from the wisdom and grace imparted to us by our Savior. We need Jesus. Our hearts need to be molded and shaped by Him in order to be an affective witness of Him. We need to pray, then, asking God to work in our heart and reveal our own sin so that our interactions with others will all be God-honoring.
Listen Carefully
There is good reason that the Bible reminds us to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19) Our natural instinct, more often than not, is to be quick speakers and slow hearers. And this tends to be the case whether we’re disagreeing in person or in writing.
Disagreements on “hot topics” have, in our day, retreated almost entirely to social media. While there may be a place for this, many have lost the art of listening well because we argue by means of typing out a few terse thoughts in an impersonal environment. But there is a real significance to listening face to face because the outcomes are often very different when looking at another person while challenging their opinion. This isn’t possible in every circumstance, so regardless of how the debates occurs, good listening involves discipline and intentionality. One of the greatest lessons I have learned from godly arguer’s is that they tend to ask sincere questions, then listen earnestly rather than focusing only on their side of an argument.
Proverbs 18:12 says, “Fools care nothing for thoughtful discourse; all they do is run off at the mouth” (The Message). On the contrary, wisdom resists defensiveness and listens for the sake of understanding. This is much of how Paul conducts himself when stating his rights to raise funds. He has clearly listened to his opposers views which has given greater clarity to his own argument. In the first several verses, Paul asks thirteen questions that help support his view. In a one on one conversation, ask questions, and then be sure to listen to the answers.
We’re called to be peacemakers, not quarrelers, always speaking with love and with grace. Disagree, debate, and have hearty conversations over these weighty matters, but don’t let the arguments become a hindrance to the gospel. Instead of letting anger take control, causing you to throw the proverbial coat in a pizza box, ask the Lord to guard your heart and your words and seek to have redemptive conversations that reflect a love of Christ and respect for others.
