Do Mom and Dad See Me?

Both of my parents passed away in the month of march. The anniversary of their deaths is within one week of each other, and this month it will be twenty years since my father went into glory and seven since my mom opened her eyes to the full presence of Jesus. 

Two dear friends lost a father within this last year, and one, through burning tears, asked if the intense grief will ever go away. She was close with her father, and the sudden loss caused an overwhelming sense of pain and longing. 

The older I get, the more I notice friends bracing for the inevitability of a parent’s death. Our parents won’t live forever, and so we wonder, plan, discuss, and sometimes secretly lament the sorrow that accompanies these thoughts and realities. No parent-child relationship is perfect, but some have experienced the beauty that can form as this relationship emerges into adulthood, and it’s a gift. My friend had one of these relationships with her father, so it’s no wonder that she asked if there will be relief. 

Does the pain from loss go away? No. I don’t believe that we ever shed the hurt entirely, though I do think that time eases the despair. The truth is that the sting which surfaces from time to time, and the tears that well in varying seasons are reminders that we will never feel OK with death, nor should we. 

Until the Lord returns, death remains a part of this broken and twisted world, and because of this we often seek tangible ways to find comfort in the uncomfortable face of it. To provide this needed comfort, I often hear this statement: Your parents are watching you from above, and I know they are proud of you. And others offer a specific question: Have you seen any signs from your parents since their death? 

The intention behind these is pure and often welcomed, but may I gently suggest that what we are attempting to do with these statements is to find tangibility to something that is intangible. In doing so, our eyes can easily become stuck on what is in front of us, causing us to miss the opportunity to look beyond to the One who provides the greatest comfort we could ever need or want.  

The Gracious Signs from Jesus

Not long ago a friend shared the incredible story of a satellite capturing a few moments of intimate family prayer and praise. They traveled together to the place where their dear son and brother was in a car accident and died, and they stood on the road, circled up, praying as a family. A few weeks later, wanting to see the spot again where her son took his last breath, this mother searched for the road on google earth, and to her amazement, a satellite had been flying over at the exact moment the family was assembled, and there are now photos that mark this precious gathering. 

Some might say that this was a sign from her son that he is alright. But when we lose a loved one who had a relationship with Jesus, we don’t need assurance from them that they are alright. We can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are not just alright, they are dancing, and praising, and living in the very presence of Jesus!  It takes faith to believe this. But the Scriptures assure us that while there are many mysteries surrounding the intermediate state, when you die, you awake in the presence of Jesus. 

Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Faith is not conditioned upon what we can see with our eyes – it is not secured by the physical! Faith is the evidence that there is a spiritual world in which God is present and in which He is always working. 

What is beautifully profound is that God, in His graciousness, gives us little glimpses that He is with us, just like He did for this mother through a seemingly random photo taken by a satellite. What signs has the Lord given you to remind you that He is near in the deep grief that accompanies loss? They are there if we look for them, but don’t become confused with who it is that sends the signs. Look beyond your loved one to see and experience the love and kindness of our great God. 

The Incomparable Comfort of Jesus 

After speaking at a retreat a couple of years ago, a woman approached me at the end of a session, embraced me, and said, “Your parents see your teaching, and I know they must be so proud.” That was not the first time I heard these words uttered, but it was the first time that the words stuck with me. 

Are my parents really watching me? 

The truth is, the Scripture doesn’t give us enough evidence to say for sure one way or the other. It could be that the Lord provides glimpses of what is going on in my life and in the lives of my sisters, but what we do know for certain is that if they see things on earth, they do not see it with the same eyes that you and I have. 

Hebrews 12:23 says that the spirit of the righteous is made perfect. We won’t see things in a perfected state the same way we see them now. What’s important is to not overly reflect on what our loved ones are seeing and not seeing. An overemphasis on this can lead to us thinking more about our loved one and less about Jesus, or we might begin to have more conversations with them than we do with Jesus. I know how easily one can fall into this, but doing so can create a great hinderance to our faith. 

Jesus says in Matthew 11, Come to me when you are tired, burdened, confused, or worn out. It is Jesus who will provide real and lasting rest. Walk with Jesus, talk with Jesus. In Him alone you will find the calming and comforting rhythms of His grace. 

Whether my parents see me or not, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will see them again. And because the Lord in His grace and mercy opened my eyes to understand the death that He died to pay for my sins, I know that I too will one day see Jesus face to face. 

In the meantime, death does not have the final say. Even as we grieve the loss of those whom we love so dearly, we know that these good-byes are not the end of the story. As the Heidelberg Catechism asks and answers, “What is your only comfort in life and in death?” “That I am not my own, but belong – body and soul, in life and in death – to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.” 

Amen and Amen. May we live the life God has given us so devoted to Him that as we encounter others through this imperfect journey, they will look past us and see beyond to our good and gracious God.